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Divorce is challenging under the best circumstances, but when you're dealing with a high-conflict personality, it can feel impossible. The constant provocations, manipulations, and emotional warfare can leave you feeling drained, frustrated, and wondering if there's any way to navigate this process without losing your mind.
Recently, I was listening to the Mel Robbins podcast featuring Jefferson Fisher, trial lawyer and author of "The Next Conversation: Argue Less, Talk More." Their discussion on handling difficult personalities was so powerful that I immediately knew these strategies needed to be shared with anyone divorcing a high-conflict person—whether they're dealing with a narcissist, covert narcissist, or simply someone who thrives on drama.
What struck me most was how practical and immediately applicable these techniques are. They're not about changing your ex (which we all know is impossible); they're about changing how you respond to protect your emotional wellbeing and maintain control of the situation.
Understanding High-Conflict Personalities in Divorce
High-conflict individuals often share certain behavioral patterns that make divorce proceedings particularly challenging. They make sweeping accusations using absolutes like "You never..." or "You always..." They try to manipulate your perception of reality. They provoke emotional responses to gain control, twist your words, refuse to compromise, create drama, and engage in constant blame-shifting.
The first step in effectively handling these situations is recognizing these patterns for what they are: tactics designed to draw you into their emotional game. Once you understand this, you can implement strategies to disengage from the conflict while still advocating for your needs.
Power in Questions: Redirecting the Conversation
When you're faced with accusations or absolute statements, most of us naturally become defensive. More often than not, ego can take quickly over, sending you down a rabbit hole of accusations and threats -- two things that fuel a high conflict personality.
Action to Take: When your ex makes a sweeping statement like "You never consider what's best for the children," resist the urge to defend yourself. Instead, ask questions like: "Can you give me a specific example of when this happened?" or "What would 'considering the children' look like to you in this situation?"
Why This Works: Questions shift the burden back to them to substantiate their claims. They demonstrate that you're listening while giving you time to collect your thoughts rather than reacting emotionally. Often, this approach reveals the real issue behind the accusation, which might be something entirely different than what they initially claimed.
I've seen this work firsthand with clients. One shared how this approach transformed a highly charged co-parenting conversation. Instead of her arguing about who was the better parent, she asked specific questions about his concerns. It revealed that his anger was really about feeling left out of decision-making, not about her parenting abilities
The Strategic Use of Silence
One of my favorite tactics is the power of simply not responding immediately. Waiting a moment to process what's being said, and recognizing your knee-jerk instinct to want to immediately respond, is always your strongest first step. Then, implement the following action to best handle the situation:
Action to Take: When faced with disrespectful or inflammatory comments, pause and maintain eye contact (in person) or don't respond immediately (in writing). Allow the uncomfortable silence to linger. Then follow with a simple statement like, "That's below my standard for a response" or "It's unacceptable to speak to me that way."
Why This Works: Most people are deeply uncomfortable with silence and will rush to fill it—often revealing their true intentions or backing down from their position. It establishes boundaries without engaging in the conflict and communicates that you expect a certain level of respect.
This action can be a game changer. I have given this advice to many clients, and one shared her experience of putting it to the test: "When my ex started attacking my character during mediation, I simply went quiet and looked at him steadily. After about 30 seconds of awkward silence, he actually apologized and returned to discussing the actual issue. It was like watching magic happen." How's that for a satisfying outcome?!
Maintaining Your Reality: Countering Gaslighting
If you've ever felt crazy during conversations with your ex, you might be experiencing gaslighting—their attempt to make you question your own memory and judgment. This tactic is particularly common with narcissistic personalities.
Action to Take: Use this simple yet powerful phrase: "I remember things differently." Then move on without debating whose memory is correct.
Why This Works: This statement acknowledges different perspectives without invalidating your own. It refuses to engage in circular arguments about whose memory is "correct" while maintaining your reality. It's a gentle but firm way of saying, "You won't rewrite my history."
PRO TIP! One of my clients adopted this phrase as her mantra during divorce proceedings. "It saved my sanity," she said. "My ex would constantly say things like 'That's not what we agreed to' or 'You're remembering it wrong.' Using 'I remember things differently' and then redirecting to the present issue helped me stay grounded."
Creating Emotional Distance Through Communication Choices
When dealing with someone determined to get under your skin, creating emotional distance becomes essential.
Action to Take: For provocative texts or emails, use low-engagement responses like "Noted" or "I acknowledge your perspective." Wait several hours before responding to non-emergency messages. Keep communications brief, focusing only on necessary information and avoiding explanations of your feelings.
Why This Works: These techniques deny your ex the emotional reaction they're seeking. By delaying responses, you give yourself time to process emotions and craft measured replies. Brevity reduces the chance of your words being twisted or used against you later.
Learn more communication tips and tricks in the post Corporate Communication Tricks To Handle A High Conflict Divorce.
The Art of Deflection and Redirection
When your ex is determined to provoke you, learning to deflect becomes an essential skill.
Action to Take: When faced with an insult, try mirroring with questions like "Could you repeat that? I want to make sure I understood correctly." Use "maybe" phrases such as "Maybe that's one way to look at it." Consistently redirect conversations back to the matter at hand: "I'd like to focus on resolving the property division today."
Why This Works: Mirroring forces them to either own their negative intention or backtrack. "Maybe" statements acknowledge without agreement. Redirection keeps the conversation on practical matters rather than emotional provocations.
During the podcast, Fisher described how these techniques effectively disarm people who are trying to pull you into conflict. They work because they interrupt the expected pattern of attack and defense that high-conflict individuals rely on.
Maintaining Self-Control: The Inner Game
External communication strategies are only effective if you can maintain internal composure.
Action to Take: Before difficult interactions, practice controlled breathing and set clear intentions. Maintain a relaxed posture even when feeling tense. After interactions, release tension through exercise and avoid ruminating on what happened.
Why This Works: Your physical state directly impacts your emotional responses. By managing your physical reactions, you can prevent the emotional hijacking that high-conflict people try to trigger. Taking care of yourself afterward helps you recover and prepare for the next interaction.
Setting and Maintaining Boundaries
Clear boundaries are non-negotiable when dealing with high-conflict personalities.
Action to Take: Be explicit about communication methods, response timeframes, and acceptable topics. Document patterns of high-conflict behavior and consider using co-parenting apps that record all exchanges. For severe cases, request court-ordered communication restrictions.
Why This Works: Boundaries protect your emotional wellbeing while creating structure that reduces opportunities for conflict. Having everything documented provides evidence if legal intervention becomes necessary.
Learn how to become your own best advocate during divorce in the post 10 Ways To Become Your Own Best Advocate During Divorce.
The Grey Rock Method: A Specialized Approach
During his conversation with Mel Robbins, Fisher touched on concepts similar to what's known as "grey rocking" in the psychology world. This technique deserves special attention for those dealing with truly toxic individuals.
Grey rocking means becoming as uninteresting and unreactive as a grey rock. You provide minimal emotional response, stick to boring, factual information, and avoid sharing personal details that could be used as ammunition. Conversations are kept brief and unemotional.
Action to Take: Respond to provocations with minimal, boring responses. Avoid sharing personal information, opinions, or emotional reactions. Keep your tone neutral and your responses brief. Don't elaborate or justify.
Why This Works: Narcissistic and high-conflict personalities feed on emotional reactions and drama. By becoming "boring," you remove the emotional fuel they seek and become less attractive as a target.
However, grey rocking comes with important caveats. While effective for short-term interactions, it can be emotionally draining to maintain over long periods. It's not recommended as your only strategy, especially if you're co-parenting, as complete emotional detachment can affect your other relationships and your own emotional health. It works best as one tool in your broader strategy toolkit, used selectively in particularly volatile situations.
Protecting Your Children from the Conflict
All these techniques become even more important when children are involved.
Action to Take: Never use children as messengers. Avoid speaking negatively about your ex in front of the children. Maintain consistent routines across households when possible. Give children permission to love both parents.
Why This Works: Research consistently shows that it's not divorce itself that causes lasting harm to children, but rather ongoing conflict between parents. These practices shield your children from the damaging effects of high-conflict divorce while teaching them healthy relationship skills by example.
The Long View: Planning for Ongoing Co-Parenting
For divorcing parents, the relationship doesn't end with the final decree—it simply transforms.
Action to Take: Recognize that these communication patterns will continue for years. Invest time now in establishing effective boundaries. Choose your battles carefully, focusing on issues that truly impact your children's wellbeing.
Why This Works: Taking the long view helps you implement these strategies consistently rather than getting caught up in day-to-day provocations. It reinforces that you're building a sustainable approach to a relationship that will continue in some form for many years.
Level up your co-parenting game by reading the post Co-Parenting Communication After Divorce: Master the BIFF Method for Peaceful, Successful Parenting.
From Reaction to Response
As Fisher so eloquently explained, the fundamental shift in dealing with high-conflict personalities during divorce is moving from reaction to response.
"You can't control their behavior, but you can choose your response—and in that choice lies your power."
I was struck by how these techniques aren't just about getting through a difficult divorce—they're life skills that can transform how you handle challenging people in every area of your life. They're about reclaiming your power from those who would use emotional manipulation to control you.
By putting these strategies into practice consistently, you can reduce your stress levels, create more productive negotiations, protect your children from harmful conflict, and maintain your dignity throughout the process. You won't implement them perfectly every time, but each interaction is an opportunity to improve your skills.
Taking care of yourself when dealing with a high conflict spouse during divorce is critical. Check out the post Divorce Self-Care Toolkit: 6 Actions for Emotionally Navigating Divorce to learn how to give yourself the care you need to navigate this highly charged time.
One last thing... Remember, your ex's behavior says everything about them and nothing about you. With these tools in your arsenal, you can navigate even the most challenging divorce with grace and strength.
Ready for personalized support in navigating your high-conflict divorce? Book a consultation with divorce coach Alex Beattie to discuss strategies tailored to your specific situation. Learn more about her coaching programs here.
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